Dear Mind

A poem to myself and a letter for you

I went through depression for many years. In varying levels of intensity - it was probably 7-8 years that I struggled with it.

On the surface things were really good - I dated and then married my best friend, I had great jobs at Google and CORE, and worked on cool projects with cool people while getting paid cool money. I had friends that cared for me and that I laughed and enjoyed with. I got to travel a lot and take nice photos.

But I struggled inside. It was a struggle getting out of bed, sleeping and everything in between. I was terrified of expressing my emotions - of being sad, angry, hurt and even showing love. I was ashamed of my inability to be what I thought a full human being “should” be. I spiralled down internally - burying these tough emotions deeper and deeper.

I hated myself and ‘my mind’ for being so incapable.

But it ultimately got better. The journey out of it was long and tough - for me - and for everyone that was with me on the journey. I can’t express enough of my love & gratitude to my wife, close friends, therapist and every person who has helped me take the next step. I went through extensive therapy, took medications, found yoga, cried and cried with CP, found my own deeper sense of self, learned to ask for help from others and ultimately found my way out.

As I write this today, that is many years in my past. I now look forward to life and whatever it brings me. I recognise and express my emotions so much more freely. And have found love and appreciation for so much around me and in this world.

I struggle with some of the same old patterns sometimes, but I’m easier on myself. I see myself as a unique person in this world full of contradictions. I don’t understand everything about myself, and I probably never will. I fail often at things and do well at others. I sometimes make people happy, and sometimes I hurt them. I find myself still not I cry when my body needs to and say nice silly things to myself when I feel down.  I forget all of this sometimes, but then ultimately find something deeper to accept about myself afterwards.

I learn more about what the character ‘Pious’ and ‘his mind’ is about everyday. How he reacts to some situations like a scared kid, and responds bravely and in new fun ways to others. How he is still figuring out some seeming basic things in this world - like talking to his friends, listening to the person in front of him, not over-eating dessert. How his unique upbringing, conditioning & life situation he is in show him a unique way of interpreting the world. How he keeps uncovering who that authentic person is under all the layers that he has kept up. And how he expresses that to the world. I am grateful I get to experience this unfolding of life.

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It’s a hard thing to convey to another person struggling - I thought that 97% of things told to me were meaningless, but I did find some things said by some people deeply helpful to nudge me to take another step. So I’m going to try to say something -

Hi Friend,

If you are finding life tough - it’s not going to be like that for long.  Everything turns out ultimately fine. It’s tough to believe this, but you are exactly where you need to be to get you to the thing you deeply wish for. Whatever you are feeling is temporary, and the situation you are in will pass. This world tells us that we are incomplete, that we need to be a certain way or do certain things to feel love and happiness- but that’s not true. If you keep just taking small steps, you will find that deep love and happiness with yourself underneath the pain. Deeper than anything the world promises.

Let’s just take a deep breath in and a long sigh out, relax our shoulders, body and mind. Life doesn’t make sense right now, but it ultimately will. Do some small things that make you happier. Take life a little easier. It’s all going to be okay.

And take this virtual HUG!

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PS - I had planned to write a single paragraph  context to this poem, but here we are. I haven’t written something so openly about my depression so openly. I wiped my tears probably five times while sitting in this cafe writing this. Love you all!

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Dear Mind, 

You can rest now.

It’s been a long time that you have stayed alert
Telling me that I must stay safe
That there are things that have happened before
that will hurt me
And that you are doing your best
to not let me get hurt again.

It’s been a long time.

You have attracted me towards things
That have kept me distracted
And you have distracted me with things
That have soothed me.

I judged you a lot
Hated you.
For how you would run in circles
Repeating the same things
With ideas that caused me pain.

But now I see how you were there
Protecting me from deeper fears
Fears that I wasn’t ready to face yet
You have done a lot to keep me safe

But it’s okay now.
You are safe.
We are safe.
You can rest now

Everything is fine
It always was
It always will be
We’re here together safe.

- Pious